冬至 was yesterday, i think, but well my family celebrated it 2 days ago, on Saturday, the usual time we met up. I found it, sadly, even worse than normal family gatherings, in many ways, whether its the food (so sorry...) or the whole atmosphere... Truthfully, its the first time I have been back at my grandmother's house in a while, and that should have made it even better for me, but... Ok, it isnt any one person's fault in particular, just that the whole family doesnt seem as close now? Im sure it doesnt come as a surprise to some of you whom I've told about my unusually large family size. Its something I have been pondering about on and off for a long time, whether a family like this is, well, good. Not that I have a choice, but just out of curiosity. I mean, Im always thinking that such a big family has made all of us even more distant than we should be. There will always be faces I dont recognise at these family gatherings, is it someone really distant whom I've just never met? or is it some newcomer into the family? who is he/she married to? Things like this. I dont even know what to address them by, much less talk to them... For the past years, I could at least feel being included or that family spirit, but now, not so. I could remember while we were all rolling the 汤圆 (glutinous rice balls), I was standing like outside the circle, not being able to reach in to get my hands on the dough and stuff...doesnt feel good. Ironically, 冬至 for the chinese is supposed to be a festival where the whole family gets together and celebrates the reunion... would have preferred to celebrate it with the smaller family from my paternal side, where physical size is smaller, but emotional bonds are much stronger. Trust me, the full story is much more complicated.

At the end of the day, I asked my parents why. I told them how I felt. And they said its because Im looking at this from a different perspective now, I have grown. Dont quite get it, but I hope thats not a consequence of growing.